Struggling with the pressure to enjoy every minute of motherhood can make you feel like a bad mum. But where does that pressure come from and why do some of us find it so challenging? More importantly, what can we do about it?
Comparison and The Pressure to Enjoy Every Minute of Motherhood
Perhaps you’ve noticed other mums interacting with their babies while you’re out and about. They seem like they’re loving every minute – relishing time spent with their newborn or having fun with their toddler. Or maybe it’s the ‘momfluencers’ on Instagram or TikTok you’re comparing yourself to. While scrolling, all you’re seeing is people talking about and sharing their motherhood experience in a positive way. They look so happy and fulfilled.
Meanwhile, you’re exhausted. You’re finding the days long and hard. You love your baby, but you weren’t expecting the domestic drudgery. Will you ever see the bottom of the laundry basket again? Maybe you miss your old life before becoming a mother. Maybe you’re just longing to go to the bathroom alone. Either way, you can’t help but compare your journey to what you think everyone else is going through.
Then, to make matters worse, someone reminds you how fleeting the stage you’re in is. ‘Just you wait!’ they say. ‘It’s going to get harder?’ you worry silently. Your sense of panic rises, the pressure mounts and you’re wracked with even more guilt. You feel like a bad mum because you’re not enjoying every moment – you’re longing for a lie-in and some time to yourself.
Let’s Dispel This Myth Once and For All!
It’s impossible to enjoy every moment of motherhood. If we’re being honest, so much of the experience can be pretty soul destroying! When you’re touched out and tired, and chronically needed by your new baby who refuses to sleep and won’t stop crying, how can you expect yourself to enjoy every minute?
Sleep is something we all need to maintain physical and mental health, so when we’re not getting enough, we’re going to feel it. Personally, I need my sleep, and when I haven’t had it, I can be very irritable and snappy. I hear this from other mums in the therapy room too, so I know it can be a source of guilt. Again, the idea that we should be able to enjoy feeling tired and irritable is ridiculous. It’s OK to find these aspects of motherhood hard.
Enjoying Motherhood After Trauma
Things can be even more challenging if you’re navigating motherhood after trauma, whether this took place during your pregnancy or birth or long before you conceived.
We know becoming a mum can activate earlier traumas, bringing them to the surface. This means, on top of the normal challenges associated with being a mum, people in this group may be reliving painful experiences and dealing with the profound impact of trauma resurfacing in their life.
If this is the case for you, it may feel even harder to enjoy every moment of motherhood. You might find your emotions are difficult to regulate. Things that are typically stressful for other people might feel even more stressful for you, meaning you experience very big emotions and struggle to calm down. Anyone would find it hard to enjoy motherhood under these circumstances. I share more on this in Trauma and Your Journey into Motherhood.
How to Cope with the Pressure to Enjoy Every Minute of Motherhood
Unfortunately, I don’t think the pressure to enjoy every minute of motherhood is going to go away anytime soon. As mums, we need to build our emotional resilience against this challenging backdrop. Here are some tips to get you started:
-
Set Realistic Expectations
The pressure to enjoy every moment of motherhood is an expectation. Expectations can come from us, or they can come from other people. They often have their roots in our early life and what we’ve learned about ourselves, others and the world around us. Some expectations are healthy and helpful. Some are unrealistic and rigid. As we’ve discovered, trying to enjoy every moment of motherhood is an example of an unrealistic expectation.
Try to reshape this idea into something more balanced and achievable. When you do this, your inner voice should sound more like this:
‘It’s okay that I’m not enjoying every moment of motherhood. It doesn’t mean I’m a bad mum or I’m not strong enough – it means I’m human.’
-
Be Excessively Gentle with Yourself
Although there are moments of joy, pride and happiness, being a mum is an incredibly difficult job, especially if you’re also navigating motherhood after trauma. Alongside all the good bits, there are moments of despair, hopelessness, and feelings of failure. The current generation of mothers are under more pressure than ever before – working, running a home and often caring for elderly relatives as well as small children.
What you are doing every day feels hard because it is. You deserve to be treated softly and gently by everyone, but especially by yourself.
-
Draw Upon Self-Compassion
Whether you’re a new mum or further along on your motherhood journey, self-compassion is the biggest gift you can give to yourself. Self-compassion is the process of turning compassion inward. It’s more than just being nice and kind to yourself, although this is part of it.
In the context of the pressure to enjoy every minute of motherhood, it’s about refusing to compare yourself to others if it’s having a negative effect. It’s focusing on your own journey and allowing yourself to feel whatever feelings come up without blaming and shaming yourself. Self- compassion is about treating yourself as kindly as you would treat a friend and using a tone of voice that is kind, caring and gentle. To learn more and to start cultivating self-compassion, download my free Learning to Love Yourself Guide.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
If you’re struggling with your motherhood journey for any reason and it’s affecting your mental health, I can help. Reach out for support by booking a consultation here or subscribe to The Nurture Toolkit for free, actionable tips and prompts straight to your inbox. I also share lots of encouragement and support via Instagram.
Useful Links
Mum Guilt – What to Do When You Feel Like a Bad Mum
How Self-Compassion Can Help You Parent
