Sadly, one of the most popular search terms new mums use to find me on Google is related to feeling like a bad mum. It breaks my heart every time I see it in my analytics, but it also motivates me to keep sharing useful content. I don’t want anyone to feel like they’re failing. With this in mind, today’s post is about your inner critic.
What Is an Inner Critic?
Anyone who finds themselves feeling like a bad mum is likely to have an inner critic shaping those thoughts. This is the voice inside you that doesn’t accept you for who you are and often wants you to be better, be different, do more, or try harder. When you don’t achieve this, your inner critic has the power to make you believe certain things about yourself. Things like ‘I’m worthless’, ‘I’m a failure’, and ‘I’m not good enough’.
Your inner critic has probably always been part of your life, but when you become a mum, it can grow louder. With all the changes involved in having a new baby, it doesn’t take long for feelings of guilt and shame about your abilities as a mother to creep in. I’ve discussed this issue before in Mum Guilt – What to Do When You Feel Like a Bad Mum.
Where Does Your Inner Critic Come From?
The inner critic often develops in childhood. During this period, we tend to absorb the messages we hear most often. These messages may come from parents, caregivers, teachers, childminders, siblings, or other family members.
For children to flourish and thrive, their confidence and self-esteem needs to be nurtured. They need to be appreciated for who they are. If a child is constantly told they need to do more or be better, it sends the message that they’re not good enough. When a child hears this message repeatedly, they internalise it as the truth and carry it with them into adulthood.
The criticism they experience in their early life may then be reinforced by messages received from other people in adulthood. All of this contributes to the development of a harsh, loud inner critic. Read Understanding your Critical Voice for more on this subject.
The Antidote to Feeling Like You’re Failing as a Mum
The solution or antidote to your inner critic is self-compassion. This is the ability to notice when you are suffering and turn your motivation inwards to do something about it. It’s about treating yourself with the same kindness, gentleness, and care as you would treat your best friend or your child. Most of us are really good at giving compassion to others. It often flows out of us like a river. But when we’re struggling, we have a hard time doing the same for ourselves.
I believe self-compassion is the biggest gift you can give to yourself as a mother. Benefits include increased confidence and self-esteem, improved mood, lower anxiety levels, and lower stress levels. Self-compassion can also help you feel less overwhelmed and more accepting of emotions as they crop up, rather than judging yourself for feeling those emotions in the first place.
Not only can self-compassion benefit you, but it can also benefit your baby and your child. Rather than developing a loud inner critic, they’ll learn to model compassion for themselves as they grow. Read What it Means to Be a Generational Cycle Breaker for more on the importance of this.
Learn to Love Yourself
To learn more about practicing the art of self-compassion, download my free Learning to Love Yourself guide here >>> Learning to Love Yourself
Self-compassion is like a muscle that needs to be strengthened and trained to grow. It takes time and practice, but this resource is designed to get you started. By signing up, you’ll also become part of my community, meaning you’ll be sent regular emails packed with valuable information and tips on managing your emotional wellbeing.
Nurturing You Through Motherhood
If you’re struggling to silence your inner critic and it’s affecting your mental health, I can help. Reach out for support by booking a consultation here or subscribe to The Nurture Toolkit for free, actionable tips and prompts straight to your inbox. I also share lots of encouragement and support via Instagram.
Useful Links
- How Therapy Can Help Mums Develop More Self-Compassion
- How Self-Compassion Can Help You Parent
- 3 Things You Shouldn’t Feel Guilty About as a New Mum