Am I Going to Screw Up My Kids?
In my clinical work, I meet many parents who fear ‘screwing up’ their kids. If you had a particularly difficult or traumatic early life yourself, you’re more likely to worry about repeating the same negative cycles with your own children. This can stem from a desire to make up for what you did or didn’t get when you were a child. For example, if you didn’t feel safe growing up, you may overcompensate and fixate on ensuring your children are completely safe 100% of the time. Of course, this is an unrealistic expectation and it’s probably quite stressful to keep up with.
Another factor that can affect everyone is our increased awareness of mental health in adults and children. Our understanding of what constitutes ‘good parenting’ has changed dramatically in recent years, and certainly since we were children ourselves. The way we were parented is totally different to how society suggests we parent in the here and now. This can create pressure and anxiety, causing parents to worry about the long-term consequences of making mistakes.
However, in general, I believe being more aware of our behaviours and thinking styles, and the impact they can have on our children, especially if they remain unchallenged, is ultimately a positive thing.
The Reality of Raising Children
The truth is, it’s highly likely we will all do something in our children’s lifetimes that will leave an emotional or psychological mark on them. Most likely, this will be unintentional, and we may not even realise it’s happened in the moment.
My 12-year-old daughter is an overthinker. I know she has learned this unhelpful coping strategy from me because my husband is the total opposite. There have been times where I’ve really beaten myself up for this. However, when I show myself more compassion, I remember it’s not my fault I’ve learnt to overthink and worry about things. It makes total sense based on my own life experiences. Given children are like sponges that absorb so much of what is modelled to them, it also makes sense that my daughter has developed the same issue. I’m aware of my own thinking style and I’m working on it, which means I’m also in a good place to support my daughter.
There are two ways to look at the situation. You are going to screw up your kids by passing on toxic coping strategies and thinking patterns, and this makes you a bad parent. OR your behaviours and thinking styles are going to be picked up by your children to some extent no matter what. This is not your fault. Moreover, you can do something about it by working on yourself, seeking therapy, and trying to break negative cycles to minimise the impact on your children. Even after all this, the likelihood is there will still be something you pass on. This doesn’t mean you’re bad or that it’s your fault.
Don’t Forget to Look at the Bigger Picture
There’s no such thing as a perfect parent. You will mess up and make mistakes, and on some level, this will impact your children. But if you look at the bigger picture and consider their childhood in its entirety, I’m sure you’ll see you are doing a great job. The fact you are worried about messing up and you’re working on yourself to try and break generational patterns proves my point. Focus on this – the things you are getting right – rather than the little bits that might affect your children negatively.
Learn to Repair
Another thing you can do when you feel you’ve messed up is repair with yourself and then the child. It’s very difficult to repair with a child when you’re feeling dysregulated. You risk repeating old patterns and feeling bad about it afterwards. If you repair with yourself first, you’re more likely to repair with your child in way that is suitable for them and meets their needs.
Imagine you’ve lost your temper and shouted at your child. Before you do anything else, focus on regulating yourself first. Offer yourself kindness and compassion. Forgive yourself for raising your voice. Once you’ve done this and you feel a little bit better, go to your child and repair with them too. Depending on the age of your child, here are some phrases you can use:
- Mummy was having some big feelings, and she is really sorry she shouted at you
- I’m really sorry I’ve made you feel scared/angry/upset
- I was angry and I yelled at you. I’m sorry. I love you very much. I can be angry and love you at the same time.
- I’m sorry I shouted at you when I got angry. I was so overwhelmed, I forgot to think about you and your feelings. Next time I get mad, I’ll remember to take deep breaths and calm down before I speak.
Self-Compassion and The Hardest Job in the World
Parenting is hard. It’s such a rewarding, wonderful job, but it’s also really difficult, especially when our children trigger big feelings within us. If you weren’t taught how as a child, you will probably struggle to regulate your own feelings as an adult as well as those of the child (or children) in front of you. That’s a lot of big feelings to cope with at once!
As we’ve already touched on above, one of the most powerful things you can do is start being kinder to yourself. You need to treat yourself gently and give yourself grace instead of beating yourself up when you feel like your parenting falls short. You’re much more likely to be calm and regulated if you learn to forgive yourself. This makes you more likely to break generational patterns too.
Useful Links
Mum Guilt – What to Do When You Feel Like a Bad Mum
What It Means to Be a Generational Cycle Breaker
How Self-Compassion Can Help You Parent
