Thinking of visiting a new mum? Excited to shower the baby with gifts, get some cuddles in, and catch up over a cup of tea? Before you go, read this, and learn what NOT to do from a therapist for new mums who’s seen it all…
Understanding the Fourth Trimester
Pregnancy is divided into three trimesters. The first trimester is from week 1 to the end of week 12. The second trimester is from week 13 to the end of week 26. The third trimester is from week 27 to the end of the pregnancy. Each trimester is marked by specific foetal developments.
In recent years, parents and birth workers have also been introduced to the term ‘fourth trimester’. This refers to the first 12 weeks after a baby is born. If you’re visiting a new mum during this period, it can be helpful to understand what it entails. I’ll cover this briefly below, but I’d also encourage you to read How to Support Someone During the Fourth Trimester.
The fourth trimester is a period of massive physical and emotional change. While the baby is adjusting to being outside the womb, the mother is adjusting to life as a new mum (or, in subsequent pregnancies, mum to more children).
It’s a special time, but it can also be overwhelming and demanding. Mother and baby are getting used to each other, bonding, and learning to feed. Once the initial burst of oxytocin and adrenaline have faded, new mums can also experience baby blues. As well as healing physically and emotionally from the birth, especially if they’ve experienced any birth trauma, they’ll almost certainly be tired due to lack of sleep.
Why New Mums Need Special Care
Hopefully, learning more about the fourth trimester illustrates why new mums need special care. It’s not just a catchy bit of copy on my website – I genuinely believe they deserve to be held. They should be nurtured and supported on their journey into motherhood, not just on a practical level but also on an emotional and spiritual level, too.
The reason I feel so strongly about this is because it’s so much easier to offer love and nurturing care to a baby when we are receiving it ourselves. When a mother’s needs are met, she’s more likely to function well and feel emotionally strong. This acts as a protective force against any practical and emotional difficulties that may crop up during the postnatal period.
Read Why Mothers Need Mothing for more on this.
What NOT to Do When Visiting a New Mum
Don’t Insist on Holding the Baby
We’re starting with a tough one! I know, I know… babies are adorable and cute and tiny. The urge to cuddle and rock them is strong! But holding the baby shouldn’t be your priority. Looking after the mother should.
Do This Instead…
Ask mum what she needs. It might be that she DOES want you to hold the baby while she takes a much-needed shower or attends a medical appointment alone. However, she might prefer it if you leave her and the baby napping together after a feed. While they’re resting, you could put some washing on, clear the dirty dishes in the sink, pop to the shops, or prepare a nourishing meal for later. Everyone’s different. What one new mum finds helpful may not be the same for another.
Don’t Expect Them to Be the ‘Hostess with Mostest’
You may be visiting a new mum at home, but don’t expect them to host. They shouldn’t be preparing food for you or even making you a cup of tea. This expectation places unnecessary pressure on the mother to care for others when her priority is caring for herself and her baby.
Do This Instead…
If you’ve visiting over breakfast, lunch or dinner, let the new mum know she doesn’t need to worry about feeding you. Arrive with food in hand, making sure it’s something that’s easy to consume while breast/bottle feeding (although you could still offer to hold the baby while they eat). Don’t forget to wash up or load the dishwasher for them when you’re done.
When it’s time for tea and biscuits, insist they stay seated while you head for the kitchen. I’m sure you can find the kettle on your own! (Top tip for new parents, leave tea and coffee making supplies out on the kitchen counter to encourage guests to fend for themselves).
To be honest, even if you won’t be eating with them, I’d always encourage you to bring food to a new mum. If you’re part of a friend group, consider asking each person to make one meal and drop it round. This will give the new mum a selection of meals she can offer her household, removing the pressure to meet this need on top of everything else.
Don’t Expect Their Full Attention
You might be used to spending quality time together when you visit, with long chats and lots of interaction. This can be challenging for a new mum, so I’d encourage you to lower your expectations and give her some grace.
As we’ve established, the fourth trimester is an exhausting time. It’s important to remove or reduce the stress and strain on new mums as much as possible. Instead of demanding their full attention, you might need to give them space and step into a more supportive role.
Do This Instead…
As I said earlier, it’s important to ask new mums what they need. She might be desperate for some adult conversation while the baby naps, but she could be craving some time alone. If this is the case, you could offer to take the baby on a short walk around the block. Or, if there are older children to consider, suggest taking them on a trip to a nearby park while she rests. I love a good natter as much as the next person, but sometimes the best thing you can do for a new mum is give her a break.
Nurturing You Through Motherhood
If you’re a new mum and you’re struggling with your mental health for any reason, I can help. Reach out for support by booking a consultation here or subscribe to The Nurture Toolkit for free, actionable tips and prompts straight to your inbox. I also share lots of encouragement and support via Instagram.