What is Self-Compassion?
In simple terms, self-compassion is the process of turning compassion inward. It’s about being kind and understanding rather than harshly self-critical. When we’re going through something difficult, it’s offering ourselves the same gentle, nurturing support we would give others when they are struggling. It’s acknowledging our own suffering and turning towards it, rather than away from it, to alleviate our distress. Doing this can help us grow and flourish into the people we really want to be.
Why Do Mums Need More Self-Compassion?
I believe self-compassion is one of the biggest gifts you can give yourself as a mother. When we’re faced with difficulties, if we do not have adequate self-compassion we can intensify the impact of these experiences. In contrast, if we’ve managed to develop and maintain a healthy level of self-compassion, it can have the opposite effect, reducing our suffering. You can read How Self-Compassion Can Help You Parent for more on this subject.
For now, let’s look at an example. Imagine you’ve just lost it with your kids because they aren’t listening to you. They weren’t getting ready quickly enough and you’re now running late. As a result, you’re feeling overwhelmed. You’re stressed and worried about the consequences of being late. Perhaps you’re also feeling unheard or not important enough to be listened to. It’s not your fault you feel this way, nor is it the fault of your children.
Self-compassion says:
‘Of course I’m feeling overwhelmed and stressed. I’m going to be late and that would feel stressful for a lot of people. I am not a bad mum for getting angry with my kids. All mothers shout at their kids at some point. It means I’m overwhelmed and probably need more support getting everyone out of the house. How can I help myself in this moment? What do I need and how can I meet that need right now?’
When we speak to ourselves in this way using a kind and gentle tone, we are more likely to forgive ourselves and move on quickly. If you beat yourself up, you’re more likely to feel even worse. Ironically, this reduces your emotional capacity, making you more likely to get angry again and repeat the same behaviour. Next time, as well as struggling with the situation, you’ll be struggling with your feelings about the situation. This is a lot for one person to deal with all at the same time.
Instead, stop and take a breath. Tell your children mummy needs a minute to herself in the kitchen. Notice how you’re feeling in a non-judgmental way. Offer yourself as much gentleness, kindness and wisdom as you can in the moment. Instead of criticising your behaviour, focus on making a difficult situation easier for yourself. Read How to Stop Blaming Yourself as a Mum for more help with this.
Why Is Self-Compassion Challenging for Some Mums?
For some people, learning self-compassion is relatively easy because they’ve experienced compassion from others throughout their life. When this happens, they internalise that compassion as a resource. When they need to use that resource, it’s robust, well developed and accessible. In other words, it’s already present within them.
However, what I see a lot in my therapy room, and what I can relate to myself, is a lack of compassion being offered to us as children. This means self-compassion is a lot harder to access and apply when needed.
For example, if you experienced a significant amount of criticism as a child, combined with a significant lack of compassion, you may have been unable to develop self-compassion at the level you need as an adult because it was never demonstrated to you in the first place. Instead, you’re more likely to have developed a highly critical inner voice. I explore this in more depth in Understanding Your Critical Voice.
How Therapy Can Help Mums Develop More Self-Compassion
One of the main ways I help clients who need more self-compassion is by becoming the person who models it to them. Essentially, it’s my job to help them internalise my compassion for them, giving them a solid resource they can draw on later. As I mentioned above, this is something that should happen when we’re children, but unfortunately, for whatever reason, sometimes it doesn’t.
In therapy, the first thing we do is name the critical part and the compassionate part of yourself. Some people simply opt for ‘critical part’ or ‘critical voice’, but others like to give it a name like ‘my bully voice’ or ‘my Mrs Trunchbull voice’. For your compassionate part, you might use the name of somebody you know or a fictional character that you feel has compassionate traits.
Chair work can help you notice these different parts of you, the thoughts and messages they give off when they are active and how this makes you feel.
For example, I might pull out a chair and ask you to sit on it and talk to me from your critical part. Then I would ask you to return to your original chair so we can reflect together and explore how you feel when that part of you is active and saying critical things. This allows you to connect with the emotional impact your critical part is having on you.
I might also talk to the empty chair that represents your critical part, standing up for you and letting them know they can’t speak to you like that anymore. This can be a powerful, effective way for you to feel as if you have someone in your corner defending you.
Over time, we would continue using chair work to help you connect with and grow the compassionate part of you. We would also practice using it to stand up to the critical part.
Eventually, you should start to see that your critical part is exactly that – just one tiny part of you, not the whole picture. At the same time, you’ll learn to listen to your compassionate part and really connect with the messages it sends, helping you quiet your inner critic so you can grow, develop and thrive.
I love this type of work. It’s powerful, effective and transformative. It’s such a privilege to offer and see the impact it has for my clients.
Learning to Love Yourself
I created my free Learning to Love Yourself guide for anyone struggling with self-compassion. Self-compassion takes time and practice, but this resource is designed to get you started. By signing up, you’ll also become part of my community, meaning you’ll be sent regular emails packed with valuable information and tips on managing your emotional wellbeing.
Download your free guide here >>> Learning to Love Yourself
Get the Help You Need
If you’re struggling with your motherhood journey for any reason and it’s affecting your mental health, I can help. Reach out for the support you need by booking a consultation here. I also share lots of resources and encouragement via Instagram.