As a therapist for new mums, and a mum myself, I know how hard it can be to return to work after maternity leave. It’s a big transition for everyone involved.
Whether you’re anxious about going back or looking forward to the challenge, it’s unlikely you feel like the same person who said goodbye to your colleagues towards the end of your pregnancy. You, and your life outside work, have changed dramatically, so it makes sense that you might have different needs and requirements as an employee. I’ve previously written about navigating this transition and some of the feelings you might experience here.
If you’re someone who has always struggled to acknowledge and advocate for their own needs, returning to work after maternity leave could be very difficult on an emotional level. In this article, I want to explore why that might be and offer you some encouragement and advice.
Know Your Rights
Before we dive in, I want to remind you that when you return to work after maternity leave, many of your needs are actually rights protected by law. For example, by law, if you are breastfeeding, your employer must provide somewhere suitable for you to rest.
You can learn more about your rights here. If you think you might want to change your hours or duties when you return from maternity leave, I’d also encourage you to research flexible working requests.
The People Pleasing Problem
People pleasing is a coping style learned early on in life because it serves a function. It may be that for you to receive love or attention from your caregivers, you had to serve or please them in some way. In this situation, people pleasing would have been positively reinforced as a way to get your needs met.
On the surface, it might seem fairly harmless, but people pleasing is what’s known as an unhelpful coping strategy. As they get older, children who’ve been shaped into people pleasers tend to focus most of their energy and attention on other people’s needs and feelings. As a consequence, they overlook their own, placing themselves at the bottom of the pile. Over time, this can lead to all sorts of issues, both mentally and physically.
People pleasing was probably helpful in your early life and may have been helpful in your adult life, too. However, when you return to work after maternity leave, people pleasing is likely to cause you problems. It may lead to feelings of pressure, guilt, worry or anxiety.
People pleasing and struggling to assert your needs also means you’re more likely to accept terms that suit the business or your employer rather than standing up for yourself and the needs of your family.
Your Needs are Valid
Remember, your needs are valid and important. Your life has changed, your circumstances have changed, and your needs will have changed alongside this.
Perhaps you used to travel a lot for work. Now that you have a baby, you’re unable to travel as frequently as you did before because you need to be closer to home and family. It could be that you’re still breastfeeding and you need extra breaks to express. Or you might need to change your hours to fit around available childcare.
All these things are understandable, and most employers will be expecting some kind of shift when you return to work after having a baby.
How to Ask for What You Need When You Return to Work After Maternity Leave
When you return to work, I’d love you to assert yourself and your needs in a healthy way. Here are some examples you can use as a guide:
‘I won’t be able to travel as much when I return to work because I need to be closer to my baby. I know it’s important for the business. A realistic commitment for me at the moment is probably once a month.’
‘I’m still breastfeeding and will need to have extra breaks to pump in a confidential space. Can we explore suitable places for me to do this please?’
‘Due to childcare constraints, my hours will need to change when I return to work following maternity leave. I can be more flexible on Mondays and Tuesdays, but on Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays I will need to leave at 4 pm. Is this something we can agree on please?’
In these examples, you are stating your needs and asserting yourself confidently. You are also holding your own needs and the needs of your employer/business equally.
If you’re not used to asserting yourself, doing so for the first time might feel difficult, but I want to encourage you to take this step and sit with those feelings. Consider seeking support from trusted friends, colleagues or your HR representative. If speaking to your employer face-to-face feels hard, maybe get some help constructing an email.
The first time you assert your needs will probably feel quite alien, but the more often you do it the easier it will become. Slowly but surely, you’ll be teaching yourself that your needs matter just as much as everyone else’s.
Nurturing You Through Motherhood
If you’re a new mum and you’re struggling with your mental health for any reason, I can help. Reach out for support by booking a consultation here or subscribe to The Nurture Toolkit for free, actionable tips and prompts straight to your inbox. I also share lots of encouragement and support via Instagram.