Going back to work after maternity leave is a huge transition for everyone involved. It’s normal to experience lots of different feelings. As a therapist for new mums, I want you to know they’re all valid.
You might be desperate to return to work. Maybe you’re looking forward to having some childfree time, stimulating your brain, and using certain skills relevant to your job. On the other hand, you could be filled with absolute dread at the thought of being separated from your baby. Some mums feel a mixture of both these things.
I can certainly relate to this. I vividly remember returning to work 10 months postpartum with my first child. I dropped her off at childcare, sat in the car, and cried my eyes out. I wanted to return to work but I felt like such a terrible mum for leaving my tiny baby with someone she didn’t really know. The mum guilt was intense.
Going Back to Work After Maternity Leave – What Does It Feel Like?
Returning to work after maternity leave is not only a practical transition requiring new habits and routines, it’s also a huge emotional transition for mum, baby and the entire family.
Settling a baby into childcare can be difficult, especially when it doesn’t go smoothly. You might spend your days at work worrying about how your baby is doing. Are they still crying or have they calmed down? Have they taken their usual nap? Did they drink their milk? Are they happy? Are they missing you terribly?
Understandably, you might find it hard to concentrate on your work because your mind is elsewhere, thinking about your baby. It’s not uncommon to feel as if you’re failing at both jobs. My baby is unsettled AND I’m distracted at work.
If you’re breastfeeding and returning to work, this adds extra pressure. You’ll need regular breaks so you can pump, not only to maintain your supply but also to prevent blocked ducts and mastitis. As well as worrying about your supply dropping, you might be anxious about your baby getting enough milk while you’re apart, especially if they’ve been reluctant to take a bottle in the past.
It’s not unusual to feel like a completely different person after becoming a mum. You might worry about whether you’ve lost the ability to do the job you did prior to having a baby. Again, this is something I can relate to. After the birth of my second child, I was concerned I might have lost my therapy skills. However, this was just a worry, and I had no evidence to support my view. I promise, like learning to ride a bike, you remember and retain your professional skills. They never leave you.
My Tips for Managing Mum Guilt When You Return to Work
When it comes to managing mum guilt and feeling like a bad mum, I believe self-compassion is the cure. It’s at the core of everything I do. If you’re new to the concept, here are some links to get you started:
- How Self-Compassion Can Help You Parent
- How Therapy Can Help Mums Develop More Self-Compassion
- What to Say to Yourself When You Feel Like a Bad Mum
If you’re having thoughts about being a bad mum for going back to work or leaving your baby in someone else’s care, this indicates your inner critic is present and active. When this happens, you’re viewing the situation through a lens that is blaming, shaming and critical in nature. You can learn more about this, and where your inner critic comes from, in You’re Not Failing as a Mum, It’s Your Inner Critic.
Once you’ve identified your inner critic is active and present, take a breath. If you can, move position. For example, if you’re sat on the sofa and you notice you’re in ‘critic mode’, stand up, move to a different spot, and sit back down. Imagine you are leaving that critical part of yourself at the other end of the sofa. Where you are sitting now represents your compassionate, gentle side. This side of you is nurturing, accepting, and non-judgemental. When you’re sat in this position, you’re going to look at the situation through a kind, supportive lens. If this feels difficult, consider what you would say to a friend in the same situation.
Notice how your body feels when you look at things through this lens. Compare it to how you felt when you were on the sofa. Usually, when we’re being critical and feeling guilty and bad, we tend to feel more emotionally charged.
When we view the situation through a gentle, compassionate lens, these heightened emotions reduce, and we are more equipped to cope with the situation and therefore feel better as a result.
This is something I would encourage you to practice as much as you can. Notice when you’re in critic mode and move into a compassionate position. When you’re able to think more compassionately, focus on these thoughts. You might want to write them down. You could even pin them on your fridge to remind you or put them on your phone as an alarm when you wake up. It can be very powerful to start each day with a positive, compassionate thought.
It can also be helpful to speak these thoughts out loud, especially when you notice your inner critic is active. Here’s an example of what this might sound like:
I’m not going to think these critical thoughts about myself because they’re negatively skewed and they make me feel bad. I’m going to choose to view returning to work in a gentler way because I deserve compassion. Compassion will help me feel better, and that is the ultimate goal. I am a better mum when I feel better about myself.
Nurturing You Through Motherhood
If you’re a new mum and you’re struggling with your mental health for any reason, I can help. Reach out for support by booking a consultation here or subscribe to The Nurture Toolkit for free, actionable tips and prompts straight to your inbox. I also share lots of encouragement and support via Instagram.