Many of the mums I work with in therapy believe they should never lose their temper with their children. When this inevitably happens, it can lead to a significant amount of guilt and shame. I don’t want anyone to feel this way, so let’s explore what to do after losing your temper with your child.
Losing Your Temper as a Mum – Expectation Vs Reality
Sure, in an ideal world, we wouldn’t lose our temper with our children. Unfortunately, we don’t live in an ideal world. We’re humans who make mistakes, mess up and get things wrong. In my opinion, expecting ourselves to remain calm at all times while parenting is an unrealistic expectation.
I have been known to shout at my children when they don’t listen or they’re arguing. I wish I could say I’m a really patient mum who’s always got it together, but the truth is I mess up too, just like you.
Why Do We Lose Our Temper?
When we lose our temper, it’s because we’ve become dysregulated. Motherhood is difficult in its own right. Then, on top of this, we add the normal, day-to-day struggles of life, not to mention the pressures and demands placed upon mothers by wider society. Past trauma can also have an impact.
The chances are you’re losing your temper because you’re feeling depleted, overstretched or overwhelmed. Perhaps something from your own childhood has been triggered and you’ve lost your temper because you’re reliving a difficult past experience. Feeling this way deserves grace, forgiveness and validation. Read Understanding Mum Rage for more on this subject.
What to Do After Losing Your Temper with Your Child
Losing your temper with your child isn’t the issue, it’s what you do afterwards that counts. Next time you shout or scold, try these three things:
1. Regulate Yourself First
My biggest tip when you feel dysregulated is to look after yourself first. If you don’t, you’re not going to be able to cope with the stress you’re facing in the same way you would if your nervous system was more regulated.
Remember, it’s ok to safely leave your baby while you go into another room and take a few moments to calm down. The same advice applies if your child is older. Regulating yourself first means you’ll be better equipped to cope with whatever situation has caused you to lose your temper in the first place.
2. Repair After Rupture
Next, focus on repairing after rupture. Ruptures can and will happen in all relationships, whether it’s between friends, partners, a parent and a child, or a manager and employee.
Even if we already understand the importance of repair, as mothers, we often fixate on the rupture and feel guilty. We beat ourselves up and become very self-critical. You can learn more about this in Mum Guilt – What to Do When You Feel Like a Bad Mum.
Sometimes, this intense guilt can actually prevent you from repairing properly with your child which means you both miss out on a healing experience. How you repair will depend on your child’s age, but it might sound something like this:
‘Mummy is really sorry she shouted at you just now. I was finding it hard to manage how I was feeling, and I shouted at you and I’m sorry for that. You didn’t deserve to be shouted at like that. Mummy is really trying to do better.’
3. Remember You’re the Adult
The most important thing is to never blame the child for your feelings. Even though their behaviour can push our buttons, we are always the adults. In any situation, we are responsible for our own emotional and behavioural reactions.
Nurturing You Through Motherhood
If you’re struggling with any of the things described in this article, and it’s affecting your mental health, it might be time to reach out for some support. Book a consultation here or subscribe to The Nurture Toolkit for free, actionable tips and prompts straight to your inbox. I also share lots of encouragement and support via Instagram.