One of the most common experiences I see as a therapist for new mums is feeling like a bad mum. Negative or self-critical thoughts are something we all experience throughout our lives, and they’re very common during early motherhood.
I’m sure we’ve all been there! Parenting is hard work, and we all have days that test our patience and resilience. What you may not realise is, when we experience negative thoughts in response to these struggles, we’re often viewing ourselves through a lens of harsh judgement, shame, and criticism. Today, I want to remind you it doesn’t have to be this way.
What Happens When We Think Like This
Our thoughts and our inner voice can have a huge impact on how we feel emotionally and physically. They can also affect how we live our lives.
For example, if you have the thought ‘I’m a bad mum’, you’re unlikely to feel good about yourself or your parenting. This negative thought will have the opposite effect, making you feel bad, shameful, hopeless, depressed or embarrassed. When you experience any of these emotions, you might notice sensations in your body such as feeling hollow and empty or lethargic and unmotivated. You might also notice you have the urge to retreat, withdraw or avoid certain things.
Read Understanding Your Critical Voice to learn more about where these negative thoughts come from and how they can affect your parenting.
The Importance of Challenging Self-Critical Thoughts
In therapy, one of the things we work on is helping you identify any negative, self-critical thoughts and the impact they’re having on your life and overall wellbeing. Then, we focus on helping you challenge these thoughts. We start by doing this together in the therapy room so you can practice in your own time. This usually looks like questioning the negative thoughts rather than accepting them as truth when they pop-up. I explain this in more detail in How to Challenge Toxic Thoughts.
What to Say to Yourself When You Feel Like a Bad Mum
If you’ve been reading and listening to my content for a while, you probably already know I’m a big fan of self-compassion. I believe leaning into our suffering with kindness, gentleness and warmth is the biggest gift we can give ourselves as mothers.
With this in mind, I’d like to share a few compassionate statements you can say to yourself when you’re feeling like a bad mum. Feel free to adapt any of them to suit you and your needs.
- I am just the mum my baby needs.
- There is no such thing as a perfect parent.
- The fact I worry about being a bad mum automatically disqualifies me from being a bad mum because I care so much.
- I deserve to be happy and to look after myself because I matter too.
When negative thoughts about yourself as a mum arise, write these statements down using the Notes app on your phone or a piece of paper. Read them out loud to yourself in a warm, kind and gentle tone, just like you would use when speaking to a friend.
Notice how it makes you feel when you repeat these words. Notice how your body feels, and what you get the urge to do. I’m confident you’ll find it’s a much nicer experience than listening to and believing your inner critic. I’m also certain repeating these statements will make it easier to get back up and keep going. This is the power of self-compassion.
Download My Free Guide
To learn more about practicing the art of self-compassion, download my free Learning to Love Yourself guide here >>> Learning to Love Yourself
Self-compassion takes time and practice, but this resource is designed to get you started. By signing up, you’ll also become part of my community, meaning you’ll be sent regular emails packed with valuable information and tips on managing your emotional wellbeing.
Nurturing You Through Motherhood
If you’re struggling with your motherhood journey for any reason and it’s affecting your mental health, I can help. Reach out for support by booking a consultation here or subscribe to The Nurture Toolkit for free, actionable tips and prompts straight to your inbox. I also share lots of encouragement and support via Instagram.