It’s fair to say there’s a lot of pressure to instantly bond with your baby. I think this comes from society and the world around us. It’s based on what we see on TV and in films. We might also hear friends, family members, work colleagues, celebrities and online influencers talking about how they bonded with their baby straight away. This leads people to believe it’s the norm. Today, I want to reassure you that it isn’t and that it’s OK if your experience is different.
Sure, some mums will look down at their newborn and immediately fall in love, but it’s not guaranteed. Unfortunately, many new mums don’t realise this. When it takes them longer to feel connected to their baby, they end up feeling like a bad mum.
3 Reasons You Might Be Struggling to Bond with your Baby
- You might find it hard to bond with your baby if you’re a first-time mum. Everything is new and unfamiliar which can be quite overwhelming.
- You might struggle to bond with your baby if you had a difficult pregnancy and/or birth experience. You may be left feeling so overwhelmed or even traumatised, that bonding with your baby is simply not your top priority. You’re just trying to get through each hour. If you had a c-section or instrumental delivery, your mobility may be impaired, making it harder to look after your baby. This can also affect your ability to bond.
- If you’re pregnant after loss, you may feel fearful about bonding with a new baby just in case tragedy strikes again.
If you can relate to any of these, you might find the following links helpful:
My Experience of Bonding with My Babies
When I had my first baby, I didn’t feel an instant connection. I just knew I had to look after her. I put this down to the fact I was a first-time mum. I didn’t know what to expect and it was a very overwhelming experience, so our bond developed over time. Interestingly, my partner bonded straight away with our first daughter.
When we had our second, my bond with her developed quite quickly after birth. In contrast, my husband took a couple of months to bond with her. He wanted a baby boy and really struggled to accept we had another girl.
When we had our final child, our son, we both fell in love straight away. Perhaps it was because he was our first boy. Or maybe it was because he arrived after experiencing a loss. It could have been because we knew he was our final baby. I don’t know why we bonded so quickly, but the reason I’m sharing this is to show you three different births with three very different bonding experiences. All of them are equally valid.
How to Cope if Bonding with Your Baby Takes Time
There are things you can do to help you feel bonded to your baby. For example, performing baby massage, bathing them, singing to them, reading to them, and generally keeping them close.
The most important thing is to allow space for any feelings. If you feel connected to your baby, embrace it. If you feel disconnected or you’re struggling to bond, make space for that too. It doesn’t mean anything about you, your baby or your role as a mother. Some connections develop over time. Don’t put pressure on yourself to feel a certain way by a certain point. This can actually be a barrier to building a connection. I promise you will bond with your baby eventually.
As always, self-compassion is key. Be gentle with yourself. Speak to yourself kindly and nurture yourself through this new adjustment. It will all be okay in the end.
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