What Does ‘Triggered’ Actually Mean?
Being triggered means you’re experiencing a strong emotional and physical reaction in the present which is strongly linked to unprocessed past experiences. It’s a response that can happen in any situation where something feels similar to a previous traumatic experience. Essentially, you’re reliving the past in the present moment.
The word ‘triggered’ has become so overused it’s started to lose some of its original clinical meaning. Now adopted into online slang, it’s frequently used to describe someone who is simply angry or offended, but in a psychological context it refers to a very intense, unpleasant, and involuntary reaction to trauma.
What Does It Feel Like to Be Triggered?
When someone is triggered by something, they may experience an intense physical and emotional reaction which is disproportionate to the current situation. They might feel incredibly angry, hurt and/or irritable and find it difficult to calm down. Being triggered can also lead to anxiety or feeling hopeless, helpless, and low.
Does Feeling Triggered by my Kids Make me a Bad Mum?
Absolutely not. And you’re not alone, either. Feeling triggered by motherhood and your children is something I’ve come across many times in my work as a therapist for new mums. It’s also something I can relate to as a mother myself.
For example, a situation I see repeatedly in the therapy room and have experienced myself is feeling triggered by our children not listening to us. Being ignored can be frustrating and annoying for anyone. But for lots of mums, not being listened to also reminds them of not feeling valued, listened to, or respected by those around them in the past. Often, this isn’t just a one-time experience that gets triggered in the here and now. Instead, it tends to be a pattern of experiences which become activated in the present moment.
Another common trigger among new mums is experiencing an absence of control. As humans, we typically like order, structure, routine, and a certain amount of predictability. When this isn’t in place, it can make us feel anxious and insecure. If a mother has experienced adversity in early life, seeking control may be her way of coping with this, and therefore her need for certainty will be even greater.
Unfortunately, when you become a mum, lots of things are out of your control. For example, when your baby sleeps, how often they feed, and whether or not they get poorly etc. Your coping strategy falls apart which can not only lead to feeling out of control in the present but also being reminded of feeling like that in the past, too.
What to Do When You Feel Triggered by Your Kids
The first step is noticing when and why you feel triggered. Being aware of what’s happening and how you’re thinking and feeling is really important if you want to understand yourself better and work on your emotional triggers. Get started with my free trigger log.
As you’ve probably heard me say many times before, self-compassion is essential. When you’re feeling triggered, this might look like kindly and gently saying something like this to yourself:
‘No wonder you got so angry when the kids were all talking to you at once. You felt like you were being needed too much which can be triggering for you. You’re not a bad mum for getting angry and shouting. It’s truly not your fault the situation felt so difficult to deal with’.
To learn more about practicing the art of self-compassion, download my free Learning to Love Yourself guide. Self-compassion takes time and practice, but this resource is designed to get you started. By signing up, you’ll also become part of my community, meaning you’ll be sent regular emails packed with valuable information and tips on managing your emotional wellbeing.
How Can Therapy Help?
The first step in therapy is identifying what your triggers are and what they look like. Together, we can look for patterns and try to understand what’s going on internally for you.
The next step is linking your responses back to the past and establishing when you’ve felt like this before. At this point, I might recommend EMDR therapy to help your brain and nervous system heal from the unprocessed past experiences that are showing up for you when you’re triggered in the here and now.
EMDR therapy can help past experiences that are often decades old come to the surface to be reprocessed so you can finally let go. Your body is able to heal, and your brain can finally view yourself and the situation from a more helpful, balanced, and compassionate perspective. This can have a huge impact on the frequency and intensity of your triggers in the present which positively impacts mental health and overall wellbeing.
Nurturing You Through Motherhood
If you’re struggling with any of the things described in this article, and it’s affecting your mental health, it might be time to reach out for some support. Book a consultation here or subscribe to The Nurture Toolkit for free, actionable tips and prompts straight to your inbox. I also share lots of encouragement and support via Instagram.