In my experience, unsolicited advice and motherhood go hand in hand. It often starts in pregnancy when we share our hopes and desires, perhaps related to labour and birth. Imagine telling someone you’re planning a homebirth and they respond by reeling off a list of awful reasons you shouldn’t. You can even find yourself on the receiving end of unsolicited advice before you have conceived. When you’re thinking about starting or expanding your family, people often want to share advice, tips or strategies you can use to conceive a specific gender. Yes, really!
Unsolicited advice can come from anywhere. Family, close friends… even strangers in the street! The night my third son was born, I was cuddling him in hospital, and a midwife came round to check on us. She suggested I put my son in the bedside cot because otherwise he would get used to being in my arms. If this had been said to me as a first-time mum, I may have lacked the confidence needed to say no. I was really shocked to receive this unsolicited advice from a healthcare professional. I expected her to know better.
The Impact of Unsolicited Advice on New Mums
Some mums are able to shrug off unsolicited advice more easily than others. Usually, this is a sign they’re more emotionally secure with themselves and their place in the world. They tend to have deep-seated healthy beliefs about themselves, their value, and abilities as a parent. So, when unsolicited advice is given, it doesn’t have a lasting effect.
Unfortunately, very few mums fall into this category. Many of us have had difficult past experiences that have shaped us as individuals, our beliefs about ourselves, and how we think and understand the world.
If you had a good enough childhood with good enough parenting and healthy attachments with your caregivers – if you’ve had compassion modelled to you – then you are more likely to cope with unsolicited advice as a new mum. However, the opposite is also true. This is the type of client I tend to see in the therapy room. It’s also the category I would place myself in as a mother. I can link this to my early life where there was lots of criticism and high expectations placed upon me, combined with a lack of empathy, nurture and compassion.
Mums who find themselves deeply affected by unsolicited advice might already have a lower opinion of themselves. However well-meaning, the advice might reinforce a deep-rooted belief they have about their abilities as a mother or their relationship with their child. If you already had a sense of feeling inadequate pre-baby, it’s very likely that becoming a mum will trigger that belief in relation to your new role. Read What is Low-Self Esteem? to learn more.
Mums who find it hard to deal with unsolicited advice might start to change their behaviour. This means they’re mothering in line with someone else’s views rather than following their own instincts regarding what’s right for them, their baby, and the rest of their family. This can cause them to start doubting themselves and their judgement, further impacting their confidence and self-esteem.
How to Cope with Unsolicited Advice as a New Mum
1. Focus On Your Own Journey
Even though it might be difficult in practice, try to notice when you’re comparing your journey to someone else’s or doubting yourself and your decisions as a mum. Focus on your own instincts and inner-wisdom, using them to guide you on your motherhood journey, rather than listening to other people’s views and living your life in accordance with them.
2. Practice Being Assertive
Unsolicited advice is so prevalent, there should be plenty of opportunities for you to work on this! For example, if someone suggests your baby shouldn’t have a dummy at this age, practice responding in an assertive way. You might say something like: ‘thank you for your opinion, but my baby really likes their dummy and it’s a source of comfort for them, so we’re happy at the moment.’
Or, if someone comments on the fact you’re giving your baby a pouch or jar of food, an assertive response might sound like: ‘I see what you’re saying, but I haven’t had the capacity to make a fresh meal today. In an ideal world, I’d always give my baby homemade food, but there are times when I can’t and that’s ok.’
3. Help Others Think Before They Speak
As your confidence grows, being assertive and speaking up for yourself can also involve highlighting the negative impact of unsolicited advice. You can thank someone for their input while also letting them know how their words have made you feel. This is one way in which we can raise awareness and hopefully encourage people to stop and think before they bombard new mums with advice and opinions they haven’t asked for.
If people feel the urge to share anything with a new mum, I’d like it to be positive, validating words of support and encouragement. When you’re deep in the parenting trenches, you never forget the people who tell you you’re doing a good job! For more on this, read What NOT To Do When Visiting a New Mum.
Therapy for New Mums
If you’re struggling with feeling like a bad mum, I can help. Reach out for support by booking a consultation here or subscribe to The Nurture Toolkit for free, actionable tips and prompts straight to your inbox. I also share lots of encouragement and support via Instagram.