I’ve written extensively about your inner critic and how it can leave you feeling like a bad mum when really, you’re anything but. In this article, we’re going to explore the topic in more depth. As well as outlining three different types of inner critic, I’ll describe what each one sounds like and explain how it might show up on your motherhood journey. Finally, I’ll share a powerful antidote to help you silence your inner critic and transform the way you talk to yourself.
3 Types of Inner Critic
1. The Demanding Critic
The demanding critic is the voice that drives you to constantly strive for perfection, pushing you to achieve more while leaving no room for mistakes or setbacks. Its standards are relentlessly high — anything less than flawless feels unacceptable. When things go wrong, rather than offering understanding, this critic responds with even greater pressure to do better next time.
This part of you doesn’t allow for rest or recovery. There’s no space to recharge, play, or simply breathe. Instead, it keeps you in a constant state of striving, fuelling anxiety, stress, and a sense of never quite doing enough.
The Demanding Critic Sounds Like…
- You have to be the best.
- You can’t afford to make mistakes.
- If it wasn’t perfect, you’ve failed.
- You haven’t worked hard enough.
- Rest is a luxury you haven’t earned.
- You have to push yourself harder to get anywhere.
How The Demanding Critic Might Show Up on Your Motherhood Journey
- Finding it almost impossible to switch off or rest. This is a really difficult mix for mothers, especially during the fourth trimester when rest and recovery are so important.
- Being harshly self-critical when you make mistakes. For you, forgetting to pack an extra change of clothes for your newborn means you’re a bad mum rather than an exhausted human who made a simple error.
- Holding yourself to impossibly high standards such as expecting yourself to keep your home as clean and tidy as you did before you had a baby.
- Chronic exhaustion and ‘mum burnout’.
2. The Punitive Critic
The punitive critic functions like an inner bully — one that labels, demeans, and tears you down from the inside. Over time, this voice can lead you to deeply dislike or even despise yourself. Its messages may target something specific, like your appearance or your parenting, or they may be sweeping judgements about your worth as a person.
At the heart of this critic is a profound sense of shame, often accompanied by a fear that others will eventually see how flawed or inadequate you truly are.
The Punitive Critic Sounds Like…
- There’s something fundamentally wrong with you.
- You’ll never change or improve.
- You’re bad, broken, or worthless.
- If people truly knew you, they would walk away.
How The Punitive Critic Might Show Up on Your Motherhood Journey
- Assuming others view you negatively and are quietly judging you. This is especially common among new mums. For example, worrying that healthcare professionals or fellow members of a baby group think you’re doing a terrible job taking care of your child.
- Being unable to take in or believe compliments and positive feedback about your parenting.
- Feeling as if you deserve to be punished when you get things wrong.
- Struggling to forgive yourself and move on from mistakes.
- Over-apologising as a way of managing guilt.
3. The Guilt-Inducing Critic
This critic places enormous pressure on you to prioritise everyone else’s needs and feelings above your own. When you don’t, it floods you with guilt. The expectation to be endlessly available, to protect others from discomfort, and to put yourself last is deeply ingrained.
Your sense of worth becomes tangled up with how well you’re meeting the needs of those around you. Alongside the guilt, there may also be a quiet undercurrent of anger and frustration that your own needs have gone unnoticed or unmet for so long.
The Guilt-Inducing Critic Sounds Like…
- It’s your job to keep everyone else happy.
- Putting your own needs first makes you selfish.
- Other people’s feelings are your responsibility to manage.
How The Guilt-Inducing Critic Might Show Up on Your Motherhood Journey
- Struggling to set boundaries or say no. Imagine you want to tell someone you’re not up to having any visitors following a disrupted night with your baby. You may feel guilty for putting your needs first and end up having them over anyway.
- Burning out from consistently putting others first.
- Feeling guilty or selfish when you do something for yourself such as having coffee out with the girls or maybe a spa day with a close friend.
- Suppressed anger at your needs never being considered or chronically unmet. Eventually, this can manifest as maternal rage.
- Anxiety at the thought of prioritising yourself.
- A sense of identity that’s entirely built around being there for others.
How to Silence Your Inner-Critic
The antidote to your inner critic is self-compassion. This is the process of turning compassion inward and being kind and understanding rather than harshly self-critical. When we’re going through something difficult, it’s offering ourselves the same gentle, nurturing support we would give others when they are struggling. It’s acknowledging our own suffering and turning towards it, rather than away from it, to alleviate our distress. Read How Therapy Can Help Mums Develop More Self-Compassion for more on this.
If self-compassion feels difficult, I created my free Learning to Love Yourself guide just for you. It takes time and practice to master this skill, but this resource is designed to get you started. By signing up, you’ll also become part of my community, meaning you’ll be sent regular emails packed with valuable information and tips on managing your emotional wellbeing.
Download your free guide here >>> Learning to Love Yourself
Nurturing You Through Motherhood
If you’re struggling with any of things mentioned in this article and it’s affecting your mental health, I can help. Reach out for support by booking a consultation here or subscribe to The Nurture Toolkit for free, actionable tips and prompts straight to your inbox. I also share lots of encouragement and support via Instagram.