‘Mum guilt’ is such a common experience, I probably don’t even need to describe it. I would go so far as to say all mums experience it to at least some degree, at some point in their motherhood journey. In my experience, mums tend to put a lot of pressure on themselves and have very high standards for their parenting. Then, when we fall short, the guilt arrives.
It often shows up when we feel bad about ourselves for something we did or didn’t do, said or didn’t say in relation to our kids. We can experience mum guilt about things we do with and for our children and things we don’t. Honestly, guilt can feel never-ending for mums.
Where Does Mum Guilt Come From?
For everyone, not just mums, guilt tends to be the emotion that follows when we feel we’ve done something wrong or failed to meet a certain expectation.
Those who experience mum guilt are more likely to have a harsh inner critic who puts pressure on them to behave a certain way and do certain things. Perfectionists are also more likely to experience guilt because they tend to have unrelenting high standards that are really hard to achieve and maintain, especially as a new mum. Read You’re Not Failing as a Mum – It’s Your Inner Critic for more on this.
Is Self-Compassion the Antidote to Mum Guilt?
Yes, I believe it is.
In simple terms, self-compassion is the process of turning compassion inward. It’s about being kind and understanding rather than harshly self-critical. When we’re feeling guilty, it’s offering ourselves the same gentle, nurturing support we would give others when they are struggling. It’s acknowledging our own suffering and turning towards it, rather than away from it, to alleviate our distress. Read How Self-Compassion Can Help You as a Parent to learn more.
While the voice of mum guilt sounds like, ‘you shouldn’t have done that, you shouldn’t have said that, you’re handling things badly, you’re not good enough’, the voice of self-compassion says, ‘you’re doing so well given the circumstances, of course you’re feeling overwhelmed – you’ve got a new baby, you’re not sleeping well, this feels hard because it is hard. Go easy on yourself, get some rest, everything else can wait.’ I’ve shared more on this in The Way You Talk to Yourself is a Parenting Gamechanger.
Why Is Self-Compassion So Important for Mums?
We’re often really good at giving compassion to others but tend to hold ourselves to a higher account. Talk about double standards! The reason I’m so passionate about helping mums develop more self-compassion is because the self-criticism behind mum guilt can also be linked to emotions such as hopelessness, helplessness, anger, depression, and anxiety.
Mothers who are able to show themselves self-compassion are far less likely to be depressed and anxious. They tend to be more relaxed with increased confidence and self-esteem. All because they’re able to give themselves credit for things and be their own inner cheerleader.
Sadly, many of the mums I see in clinic have a very overdeveloped inner critic. The work we do helps combat this by building up their compassionate, wise side, giving them a tool to fight back when their inner critic is present and active. I’ve gone into more depth on this subject in How Therapy Can Help Mums Develop More Self-Compassion.
Learning to Love Yourself
If self-compassion feels difficult, I created my free Learning to Love Yourself guide just for you. It takes time and practice to master this skill, but this resource is designed to get you started. By signing up, you’ll also become part of my community, meaning you’ll be sent regular emails packed with valuable information and tips on managing your emotional wellbeing.
Download your free guide here >>> Learning to Love Yourself
Nurturing You Through Motherhood
If you’re struggling with any of things mentioned in this article and it’s affecting your mental health, I can help. Reach out for support by booking a consultation here or subscribe to The Nurture Toolkit for free, actionable tips and prompts straight to your inbox. I also share lots of encouragement and support via Instagram.