What Do We Mean by ‘Baby’s Routine’?
A baby’s routine is a predictable sequence of daily activities like feeding, napping, changing, and playing. Babies and young children thrive on routine and predictability. It helps them feel safe and secure, enabling them to grow and develop in a healthy way. Adults also benefit from routine. This is why we’re often encouraged to try and stick to a loose timetable in terms of when we wake up, when we eat, and when we go to bed.
Does Your Baby Need a Rigid Routine?
As with most things related to how you parent, there’s no definitive answer to this question. Views will differ from person to person.
If you’re someone who values routine and structure in your own daily life, you’re probably more likely to crave a routine postnatally. In contrast, some mothers prefer to parent in a more ‘baby led’ way. If their baby shows signs of being tired, they’ll let them sleep, regardless of the time of day. If the baby shows signs of being hungry, even if they’ve recently had milk, they’ll feed them again.
In many ways, babies and rigid routines are completely at odds with one another! Think about it: babies, especially newborns, are highly unpredictable. It’s impossible to know how often, when and where they’ll sleep. It can be difficult to gauge how much milk they’ve had and therefore when they’ll need another feed. If they’re unsettled or crying, they could be poorly, overtired, or going through a developmental leap. For all these reasons, devising and maintaining a routine can be difficult.
Rigid Routines and Anxiety
If you struggle with anxiety, not being in control can make you feel more anxious. This is something I can relate to myself. It’s also something I often see in new mums. Before we explore this in more detail, you might find these articles about anxiety helpful:
Creating a set, rigid routine might feel like the perfect solution to your anxiety. You’ll be completely in control of what happens and when. If your baby adheres to their routine, drinking all their milk, playing nicely and sleeping when naptime is due, you’ll feel settled and accomplished.
However, if baby’s routine is out of sync for whatever reason, it can be hard to cope with. You might notice yourself feeling very uncomfortable and anxious because the predictability you crave has been taken away.
Needing to be in control at all times is actually a maladaptive coping style which tends to have its origins in your early life and how you learnt to cope with difficult situations. Read Unhelpful Coping Strategies Explained for more on this.
A Different Approach – Flexible Routines
As we’ve established, babies can be unpredictable. If we’re being honest, this is true of all humans, at any age! Sometimes we have lots of energy and sometimes we need more sleep. Our moods shift and change. Our appetites fluctuate too, so we eat more on certain days and less on others. Despite this, we often expect babies to fit into a rigid routine or fixed schedule.
To be clear, I’m not bashing routines. As I mentioned, I think we can all benefit from a little structure. However, flexibility is always more helpful than rigidity because rigidity can lead to more emotional distress if it isn’t maintained.
No matter how hard we try, it is impossible to control everything. If you attempt to, you will almost certainly struggle with your mental health postpartum. A flexible routine means less pressure on your baby to sleep at certain times, and less pressure on you to ensure the routine is meticulously followed and upheld.
Without a rigid routine, you may find you feel more anxious in the short term as there is less control, less predictability, and more uncertainty. However, this will improve over time. A flexible routine will help you get used to a lack of control, increasing your ability to cope with uncertainty. This is good news for your long-term mental health. We know people who are more able to tolerate uncertainty, unpredictability, and uncontrollability are more likely to feel less anxious and stressed overall.
Therapy for New Mums
If you’re a new mum struggling with anxiety for any reason, I can help. Reach out for support by booking a consultation here or subscribe to The Nurture Toolkit for free, actionable tips and prompts straight to your inbox. I also share lots of encouragement and support via Instagram.