What are ‘Sunset Scaries’?
‘Sunset scaries’ or ‘sundown scaries’ are terms that are sometimes used to describe a wave of anxiety, sadness, or overwhelm in postpartum that tends to hit in the late afternoon or early evening as baby’s bedtime approaches. This nighttime anxiety is really common, especially among new mums who are in the trenches of the fourth trimester.
What Does Nighttime Anxiety Feel Like for New Mums?
For a general list of signs and symptoms to look out for, read What is Postpartum Anxiety? More specifically, nighttime anxiety can manifest as dread, worry, unease, or just feeling really unsettled as the sun starts to go down. Feeling trapped and/or alone also comes up a lot for new mums.
During the day, you might notice some anticipatory anxiety. This means you start to overthink and worry about having nighttime anxiety before nighttime has even arrived. This can have a huge impact on your capacity, especially if you’re already operating on very little sleep and taking care of a newborn throughout the day.
Where Does It Come From?
In many ways, these feelings make a lot of sense. Lying awake at 3am, feeding a baby when it’s dark outside and everyone else is asleep, can be a very lonely experience. It can be especially difficult for mums who have traumatic past experiences linked to feeling alone or being abandoned. Under these circumstances, nighttime anxiety can feel even bigger than it already is.
Nights with a small baby are also incredibly unpredictable. Even for those without previous trauma, this lack of control can feed into anxious thoughts and behaviours. For some, uncertainty can feel completely intolerable. They need to know how much sleep they’re going to get, how much their baby is going to feed, and how many times their baby is going to be up in the night. They like to plan and prepare and be ready for things.
Although this is quite a logical reaction, it’s not the most helpful. Uncertainty is everywhere, and it’s particularly prevalent when you first have a baby. Learning to tolerate uncertainty and letting go of the need for order, structure, and control can actually make you feel better in the long run.
If, on top of nighttime anxiety, you’re also struggling with the pressure and unrealistic expectations around babies’ sleeping habits, read You’re Not Failing as a Mum if Your Baby Won’t Sleep – A Therapist’s Perspective.
My Tips for Coping with Nighttime Anxiety
1. Validate Your Feelings
Unfortunately, when we were younger, many of us didn’t experience having our emotions validated by those around us. This means we never learned how to validate our own feelings.
Validating your emotions is a form of self-compassion, and it can be very soothing. It’s a powerful alternative to what many of us do on autopilot – criticising or beating ourselves up for having emotions in the first place!
So, when you start to feel anxious, focus on accepting and creating space for these feelings. Try saying something like: ‘no wonder you’re getting yourself in such a state about nighttime approaching – it’s when you feel most alone, and that’s hard for you, so of course you’re going to feel anxious about it’.
2. More Self-Compassion
Continue speaking to yourself in a kind and gentle way. Ask yourself: ‘what do I need right now to help me feel more settled, and how can I get that need met in a healthy way?’. The answer might be asking for support from your partner, speaking with friends, or reaching out to other mums to help normalise how you’re feeling.
3. Challenge & Change Your Anxious Thoughts
Once you’re able to identify your anxious thoughts and notice the impact they’re having on how you feel, you can learn how to challenge and change them. My podcast episode How to Challenge Toxic Thoughts is essentially a free therapy session where I walk you through the process of catching, challenging, and changing negative thoughts.
Therapy for New Mums
If you’re struggling with postpartum anxiety or any other aspect of motherhood, I can help. Reach out for support by booking a consultation here or subscribe to The Nurture Toolkit for free, actionable tips and prompts straight to your inbox. I also share lots of encouragement and support via Instagram.
Useful Links
- What Does Anxiety Feel Like in the Body?
- Generalised Anxiety Disorder & How to Manage Excessive Worrying
- Is Google a Blessing or a Curse for Anxious New Mums?