Parts work is a fascinating therapeutic approach that can help you build a deeper understanding and awareness of yourself. Recognising your different ‘parts’ or ‘modes’, and how they show up in your life, can help you manage them, break negative patterns and function better. It can also empower you to nurture and look after the wounded parts of yourself.
What is Parts Work in Therapy?
Parts work is based on the simple idea that we’re not one single, unified self. Instead, we’re made up of different parts or modes, each with its own feelings, beliefs, and job to do.
So, instead of saying ‘I am anxious’ or ‘I am self-critical’, in parts work we say, ‘a part of me feels anxious’ or ‘there’s a part of me that’s very critical’. This small shift creates distance between us and the feeling, so it becomes something we have rather than something we are.
We embody and move between different modes all the time. For example, when we’re with young children, we may present in a fun, silly, childlike way. However, we wouldn’t show up to an important work meeting in the same way. The opposite is also true. Our kids would be confused if we engaged with them in a formal, professional way like we would in the work meeting.
So, shifting from work mode into mum mode can be helpful and adaptive. In therapy, we look at the unhelpful or impactful modes that show up in your life and are dysfunctional in nature.
Parts Work in Schema Therapy
In Schema Therapy, we focus on identifying modes that may be operating inside of you without your conscious awareness. These include:
Child Modes
The child parts of you hold all the emotional pain and wounds of unmet needs in childhood. When we are in this mode, we can think, feel, and act like a child, even in adulthood. Read The Inner Child Explained to learn more.
Critic Modes
The critic parts of you can be conceptualised as the messages you received about yourself when you were younger. These can be direct messages like being told ‘you’re useless’ or ‘you’re never going to amount to anything’, but they can also stem from the way you were made to feel as a child by those closest to you.
Essentially, we internalise the way we’re spoken to and treated by our caregivers. So, if your caregiver is nurturing, kind, and compassionate, you are likely to treat yourself in a similar way when you’re older.
When care and emotional attunement are lacking, and the caregiver is critical, this becomes the critic mode. In adulthood, when you go through a difficult experience, this critical part of you can become activated so you treat yourself in the same or similar way. Read Understanding Your Critical Voice for more on this.
Coping Modes
We also have coping modes. These are behaviours we learn in early life, often automatically and subconsciously, that help us get our needs met and avoid difficult feelings. As children, they help you survive, but they can create problems in later life.
Perfectionism is one example of this. Imagine you’re made to feel you’re not good enough as a child. To avoid and escape this painful feeling, you develop a coping mode based on perfectionism to help you feel better and more worthy of love and care.
This way of coping may work really well for a certain amount of time, but at some point, your perfectionism leads to anxiety, depression, burnout, and stress. What was once the solution, becomes a problem.
Coping modes are often the reason people come to therapy because they tend to be redundant in our adult life, yet we subconsciously repeat the same dysfunctional patterns and end up getting stuck. Read Unhelpful Coping Strategies Explained to learn more.
Healthy Modes
The final modes within Schema Therapy are healthy modes. These are functional and adaptive.
‘Healthy adult mode’ is the preferred mode we would operate in as adults. It is wise, strong, compassionate, firm, balanced, flexible, and rational with strong boundaries. When we are in healthy adult mode, we’re thinking, feeling, and acting like an adult. We are able to function in life and deal with any difficulties in a gentle, measured way.
How Parts Work Can Help New Mums
When you’re able to identify the parts of you that have developed in these four categories, you can understand yourself better and start to recognise the experiences, situations, or people who might trigger these different parts of you to come out.
If you have a perfectionistic mode, it might show up for you at work. In this context, your high standards and constant striving will probably be rewarded, confirming your beliefs and perpetuating the pattern.
But becoming a mum could put this coping mode to the test. Doing anything perfectly is really difficult when you have a newborn to care for! For example, keeping the house clean and looking immaculate. You’re much more likely to find dirty muslins and used nappies littering the floor! When this happens, it activates the feelings of unworthiness and defectiveness the perfectionism is masking. This is often the reason a new mum will contact me for therapy.
Another pattern I see is new mums who feel like they’re a bad mum. Berating yourself, punishing yourself, and feeling guilty for things you have or haven’t done are all examples of the critic mode showing up.
In my experience, new mums tend to lack a wise, compassionate side that can be their cheerleader and inner supporter. In this situation, I would focus on helping you strengthen and develop this side so you can fight back and stand up to your inner critic. This often leads to improved self-esteem and lower anxiety.
Therapy for New Mums
If you need help to manage your mental health and you’re interested in working with me, reach out by booking a consultation here or subscribe to The Nurture Toolkit for free, actionable tips and prompts straight to your inbox. I also share lots of encouragement and support via Instagram.