In my work with mothers, I hear of mums being triggered by their kids all the time. I really want to normalise this experience – it’s an understandable and expected part of motherhood. If you have a history of childhood trauma, you are even more likely to feel triggered by your kids.
In this article, I’m going to explain what’s happening when you feel triggered and share some tools and strategies to help you pause and regulate your emotions. You are the focus of my suggestions. For advice on helping your children navigate this sort of situation, read What to Do After Losing Your Temper with Your Child.
What’s Happening When You Feel Triggered by Your Kids
When you feel triggered by your kids, you may be re-experiencing a past situation in the present. This often coincides with very strong, overwhelming feelings that can feel disproportionate to what you’re dealing with or experiencing in the current situation. When this happens, it is almost always a result of something from the past becoming present, and your brain confusing the two because of similarities between them. Read Understanding Mum Rage to learn more about this.
A really common example of a situation that triggers mums is when their kids don’t listen to them. I can relate to this, and I know my husband can too. When your kids aren’t listening, it can lead to irritability, anger, frustration, stress, and even hurt.
If you think about it logically, these feelings might seem very intense and disproportionate to the situation. However, it could be that when your children aren’t listening to you, you’re being reminded of not being listened to as a child and how painful or frustrating that felt. It’s less about your children not listening to you, and more about what this represents for you and the feelings it brings up from your past.
For more advice, read Why Do I Feel So Triggered by My Kids?
What to Do When You Feel Triggered by Your Kids
1. Notice Your Strong Emotional Response
Noticing that your children are triggering a strong emotional response within you is so important and a great first step. It shows you’re aware something isn’t quite right and highlights a desire to try and cope in a different way. You deserve credit for this. Many parents have no awareness and no desire to change. They may not even realise there is an issue in the first place.
2. Validate Your Feelings
Remember, it’s not your fault you’ve been triggered. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad mum or that you’re doing anything wrong. It’s a sign your past has become present.
This happens outside of your conscious awareness, so there’s no need to blame or shame yourself. Instead, validate your feelings and reactions with compassion and empathy, even if you speak or behave in a way you’re not proud of or happy about.
3. Pause and Take a Breath
My advice is to always prioritise regulating yourself before your children. A dysregulated parent is not going to be able to regulate a dysregulated child in a healthy way.
If possible (and it is safe to do so), remove yourself from the situation that’s triggering you by going to another room, stepping outside, or taking a walk around the garden.
Taking a couple of long, deep breaths is one of the quickest ways to calm down and regulate yourself when we’re feeling dysregulated and emotionally charged. It might sound airy-fairy, and you might think ‘I’ve tried that before and it doesn’t work’, but I would encourage you to have an open mind and try again.
When we’re stressed, our breathing is different. It is often shallower and more irregular. This can keep us feeling stressed because it sends signals to the brain that there is threat or danger. When we take slow, deep breaths, it activates the parasympathetic nervous system and tells the brain we are safe.
4. Tap into Things that Soothe You
Here are a few things you can try:
- listening to music you find comforting and relaxing
- asking your partner, a friend, or a family member to look after the children while you go for a walk around the block to calm down
- talking to a friend about how difficult things are feeling
- asking for a hug from your partner, a friend, or a family member
- grabbing one of your children’s teddies (or your own teddy if you’ve got one) and giving it a good squeeze
- telling yourself ‘I am not a bad mum for having big feelings, it’s not my fault, they will settle down eventually, and I can cope until they do’.
- using imagery and visualisation
The last one works really well for me when I need to settle my nervous system. The reason imagery can be so effective is because your nervous system responds in almost the same way when you’re just thinking about something soothing and calming compared to actually doing the thing. Isn’t that amazing?! Once again, you’re activating your parasympathetic nervous system and allowing yourself to rest and down regulate.
Find What Works for You
Not everything I’ve recommended here will be helpful for you, and that’s okay. My advice will always be to find the things that work for you and use them as much as you need, as often as you need.
Motherhood is much easier and more enjoyable when you’re feeling settled. Your children will benefit from this too. They’re also very likely to copy you as they get older. If they see mummy stopping to take deep breaths and regulate herself, they will learn to do this too. What an amazing gift for you and your children!
Nurturing You Through Motherhood
If you’re struggling with any of the things described in this article, and it’s affecting your mental health, it might be time to reach out for some support. Book a consultation here or subscribe to The Nurture Toolkit for free, actionable tips and prompts straight to your inbox. I also share lots of encouragement and support via Instagram.