Although perfectionism is often celebrated, there is a darker side to this pattern of behaviour. For many, it isn’t simply about wanting everything to be perfect. Healthy striving and attention to detail are one thing – unrelenting high standards are another.
Where Does Perfectionism Come From?
Perfectionism typically has its roots in our early life and it’s something that we learn. In therapy speak, we call it a ‘coping strategy’. In other words, it’s something we do in order to cope with difficult feelings in childhood. Read Unhelpful Coping Strategies Explained to learn more.
For example, if you were made to feel you were not good enough, and you learnt that perfectionism and overcompensating helps you avoid this unpleasant feeling, perfectionism becomes the coping strategy you use to avoid it.
If you have perfectionistic parents, you are more likely to become a perfectionist yourself because it’s being modelled to you. The messages we receive at school can also feed into perfectionism. Teachers wanting children to do well, and needing to hit certain targets, can unwittingly reinforce perfectionistic behaviours and mindsets.
Perfectionism can also be something that is encouraged or reinforced by caregivers and parents. For example, when you get straight As at school, you may receive love and praise. When you don’t do as well, the response you receive may be different and it probably doesn’t feel very nice. You learn that to continue receiving love and praise, you need to be really good at everything.
Having a Baby Changes Everything…
When I had my first child, I really struggled with the transition to being on maternity leave. Up until then, I’d spent my entire adult life constantly working and studying. Being at home and not being able to meet the high standards I placed upon myself within the workplace was a big shock to the system. I felt bored and unfulfilled.
My work has always been a big part of my identity, so not working took that away and I started to feel a bit worthless because I wasn’t able to do the things I had learnt made me valuable. I shared more about my experience becoming a mum in 3 Things I Wish I Knew When I Had My First Baby.
Perfectionism and Becoming a Mum
When you become a mother, using perfectionism as a coping strategy can be tricky because you may find it’s no longer possible to meet those unrelenting standards. This can impact you emotionally in the form of stress, anxiety, self-criticism, guilt and shame.
As a therapist for new mums, this is something I see repeatedly. A client might come to therapy because they’re burnt out and exhausted trying to maintain their perfectionistic standards. Alternatively, they might seek help because being unable to meet them is activating whatever’s behind the coping strategy in the first place.
What Does Perfectionism in Parenting Look Like?
Perfectionism might show up on your motherhood journey as:
- Having a very specific, rigid routine for your baby.
- Needing baby to be dressed impeccably.
- Needing to look and dress a certain way yourself.
- Feeling like your house should look like a show home and needing any cleaning to be done in a certain way, at a certain time.
- Believing you should take your baby to a certain number of baby groups per week.
- Expecting yourself to enjoy every moment of motherhood.
- Expecting yourself to maintain the same commitments and responsibilities as you did before having a baby, whether at home, at work, or in your social life.
How Therapy Can Help
Parts work can be really effective and beneficial for mothers who are struggling with perfectionism. This approach is based on the simple idea that we’re not one single, unified self. Instead, we’re made up of different parts or modes, each with its own feelings, beliefs, and job to do.
So, instead of saying ‘I’m a perfectionist’, in parts work we say, ‘a part of me is perfectionistic’. This small shift creates distance between us and the feeling, so it becomes something we have rather than something we are.
What This Looks Like
As we’ve established, perfectionism can have different functions and roles, so it’s important for us to find out why the perfectionistic part of you developed, what function it served then, what function it’s trying to serve now, and the pros and cons of it being part of your current life.
To do this, we would look at aspects of your perfectionistic mindset. This might include ‘all or nothing’ thinking which is very common in perfectionism. This sounds like ‘if I don’t clean the house top to bottom every day, then there’s no point cleaning it at all’. This is a very rigid mindset that encourages very rigid, perfectionistic behaviour, and this can be problematic.
An example of an ‘all or nothing’ behaviour might be cooking every single dish for your baby from scratch and avoiding jars at all costs. If you find yourself in a situation where this isn’t possible (for example, while travelling with your baby), you might feel stressed or anxious. To be clear, wanting to cook all your baby’s meals from scratch doesn’t mean you’re a perfectionist! But it can be a sign of perfectionism.
Similarly, wanting your baby to be dressed impeccably doesn’t necessarily mean you are struggling with perfectionism, but as a therapist I would be interested in looking at where that idea and behaviour came from, what its function is now, and the current implications of it for you in both the short and long-term.
Continuing with parts work, we would explore more realistic, reasonable expectations to have of yourself, especially at such a vulnerable time. For example, trying to keep an immaculately clean and tidy home when you are newly postpartum is probably not realistic, achievable or reasonable and is likely to cause emotional upset. Instead, we would look at how we can change your unrelenting standards into standards that are still high but more realistic and achievable for the stage of parenting you’re currently in.
I would also focus on helping you connect with your wise, compassionate side. This should help you think about what would be helpful, balanced, and realistic for you to achieve rather than living life from the perfectionistic part of you. Read How Self-Compassion Can Help You as a Parent to learn more.
Nurturing You Through Motherhood
If you’re struggling with any of the things described in this article, and it’s affecting your mental health, it might be time to reach out for some support. Book a consultation here or subscribe to The Nurture Toolkit for free, actionable tips and prompts straight to your inbox. I also share lots of encouragement and support via Instagram.