When I was younger, the only screens we had access to were televisions. We enjoyed watching our favourite TV shows, but we spent the majority of our time playing outside and interacting with siblings or friends. It was just what you did. In the school holidays, we were out all day. You only came home to eat! Since the introduction of consoles, smartphones, tablets, and laptops, life has become very different for children.
My Relationship with Screen Time as a Busy Mum
I have three children. The oldest two have phones and laptops. My youngest, who is currently six, has a tablet. As a busy working mum, my children probably spend more time than is recommended on screens. It’s something I try to manage, but let’s be honest, screens are invaluable when you need five minutes peace to catch your breath.
During the summer holidays, my children had seven weeks off school, and my husband worked long hours. This left me juggling my own work while also looking after the kids at home. One of the things that enabled me to do this was my children being allowed to be on their screens as a way to keep them occupied and entertained.
My Relationship with Screen Time as a Therapist
As a therapist for new mums, I can understand and name a lot of the feelings that come up for me around screen time. The critical side of me fears judgement. The perfectionist side of me thinks I should minimise screen time and engage and play with my children more. Of course, this isn’t always reasonable or possible.
Luckily, I have worked very hard on managing these parts of myself. I’m also able to engage with my wise, compassionate side who knows I’m doing all that I can right now to manage and that’s okay. If my life was different – maybe if my husband was around more – I would be able to live up to the expectations of my perfectionist part, but I can’t right now and that’s good enough.
Screentime and Mum Guilt
You may be reading this and noticing a level of anxiety or guilt around your own children’s screen time. This makes total sense. Society is changing rapidly and there is a lot of pressure on mums. Our children are also the first generation to grow up with access to screens from birth.
Guilt is the emotion that comes up when we feel like we’ve done something wrong. If you’re noticing guilt about the amount of time your children are spending on screens, it’s likely there’s an idea or expectation you feel you’re not living up to. This is why being aware of our own feelings and some of the expectations we put on ourselves and whether they are realistic and reasonable is really helpful.
Guilt can be linked to high expectations. There’s nothing wrong with high expectations, but when those expectations are impossible to achieve it can lead to anxiety, guilt, stress, and even mum rage.
How Therapy Can Help
This is an example of a situation where parts work can be really effective. This approach is based on the simple idea that we’re not one single, unified self. Instead, we’re made up of different parts or modes, each with its own feelings, beliefs, and job to do.
If you are feeling guilty around the amount of time your child is spending on screens, we would identify that as a guilty part. This creates distance between us and the feeling, so it becomes something we have rather than something we are.
In the therapy room, I’d want to hear from this guilty part to find out what it thinks, what it believes, and what expectations it has about screen time. It’s likely that the expectation is quite high. It might be that your guilty part believes you should be able to look after your children and parent them with minimal use of screens, no matter what.
Next, we’d focus on connecting with your wise, compassionate side. What does this side think about the amount of screen time your children are having? It might be that this side says your children could spend a little less time on screens, but right now it’s something that gives you a break, allows you to work, or helps you get a meal on the table, and that has to be okay. There’s no such thing as perfect parenting. We’re going to get things wrong. We’re going to make mistakes. This doesn’t mean we’re bad mums.
The goal in therapy, and in life, is to live out, embody, and be the compassionate, wise part of yourself as often as possible. This side of you looks at the whole picture and gives good advice. It’s also strong, kind, caring, balanced, flexible, and logical.
What to do if Your Child’s Screen Time is Making You Feel Like a Bad Mum
When you notice strong emotions coming up about screen time, whether it’s guilt, anxiety or worry, notice that part of you and consider what it thinks and feels. Then, focus on connecting with the wise, compassionate side of you. Be equally curious about what it thinks and feels about your child’s screen time.
Listening to your wise, compassionate side will likely make you feel more soothed and settled. In contrast, listening to the guilty side with high expectations will make you feel more stressed, worried, anxious, and guilty. None of these things are conducive to a happy motherhood experience.
Nurturing You Through Motherhood
If you’re struggling with feeling like a bad mum and it’s affecting your mental health, I can help. Reach out for support by booking a consultation here or subscribe to The Nurture Toolkit for free, actionable tips and prompts straight to your inbox. I also share lots of encouragement and support via Instagram.