Anyone who finds themselves feeling like a bad mum is likely to have an inner critic shaping those thoughts. This is the voice inside you that doesn’t accept you for who you are and often wants you to be better, be different, do more, or try harder, no matter what you achieve.
One of the solutions or antidotes to your inner critic is learning to embody your wise, compassionate side. Let me explain…
What Do We Mean by ‘Wise, Compassionate Side’?
The wise, compassionate side of you literally does what it says on the tin! When you’re embodying your wise, compassionate side, you’re living out these traits in your day-to-day life. This side of you is also logical, present, balanced, flexible, assertive, and firm but fair. Listen to How Self-Compassion Can Help You Parent to learn more.
It’s not possible to operate from this mode all the time, but ideally, we want to embody it as much as possible. This tends to be easier for people who had a stable, settled early life, enabling this part of them to grow, develop, and strengthen. However, for some, this side can be quite small or underdeveloped. Often, this is linked to early life experiences and unmet emotional needs preventing the wise, compassionate side from forming and developing properly.
You’re Not a Bad Mum, It’s Your Inner Critic
This is something I often see in my work with new mums. They have a small, underdeveloped wise, compassionate side and a loud, overdeveloped inner critic that’s making them feel like a bad mum.
Everybody has an inner critic, but it tends to be louder and much harder to ignore if you received criticism or were treated harshly as a child. The same is true if you weren’t given adequate nurture, care and empathy in your early life.
The inner critic correlates highly with depression and low self-esteem which means it’s definitely not conducive to a happy motherhood experience. For more on this, read You’re Not Failing as Mum, It’s Your Inner Critic.
3 Things I Want New Mums to know About the Critical Part of Themselves
1. It’s not your fault you have a strong inner critic. You weren’t born with it. The critical side of you is based on other people’s poor treatment of you. To feel accepted and appreciated, all humans need to receive adequate nurture, empathy and love. When these needs are met in early life, it facilitates the growth of your wise, compassionate side. When they’re not, it leads to the development of the inner critic.
2. The messages your critical side makes you believe do not represent reality. They’re based on things you were made to feel about yourself when you were younger. Even though it might feel like you’re a bad mum, that doesn’t mean it’s true. It’s just a sign your critical side is present and active.
3. You don’t need to continue believing the messages of your inner critic. The more you lean into your internal experience, start noticing self-critical thoughts, and linking them to your inner critic, the easier it will be to move away from ‘I feel like a bad mum’ towards ‘my critical side is telling me I’m a bad mum.’
How Your Wise, Compassionate Side Can Help
Recognising your different parts or sides, and how they show up in your life, can help you manage them, break negative patterns, and function better. It can also empower you to nurture and look after the wounded parts of yourself.
Strengthening and developing your wise, compassionate side will help you fight back and stand up to your inner critic. It can function like a cheerleader and inner supporter, leading to improved self-esteem and lower anxiety.
Through parts work in therapy, you can begin to notice, manage, and take control of your harsh inner critic and learn to use your wise, compassionate side as the antidote. This is something I’ve achieved myself in therapy. As it’s one of the most common patterns I see in my work, I’m incredibly passionate about helping other mums do the same.
To learn more, read What is Parts Work in Therapy?
Therapy for New Mums
If you need help to manage your mental health and you’re interested in working with me, reach out by booking a consultation here or subscribe to The Nurture Toolkit for free, actionable tips and prompts straight to your inbox. I also share lots of encouragement and support via Instagram.
Useful Links
- 3 Types of Inner Critic and How They Might Show Up for Mums
- 3 Things You Shouldn’t Feel Guilty About as a New Mum
- Navigating the Transition – Mum Guilt and Going Back to Work