Self-compassion is a powerful and effective tool that I believe should be part of everyone’s motherhood journey. It’s about being kind and understanding rather than harshly self-critical – offering yourself the same gentle, nurturing support you would give others. It’s acknowledging your own suffering and turning towards it, rather than away from it, to alleviate your distress. This is why I think it’s so important when you’re in the trenches caring for a newborn.
Why Do New Mums Need More Self-Compassion?
As mums, we tend to blame ourselves for everything. This is because many of us have an inner critic shaping our thoughts. This is the voice inside you that doesn’t accept you for who you are and often wants you to be better, be different, do more, or try harder. Read 3 Types of Inner Critic and How They Might Show Up for Mums for more examples.
When you don’t meet these standards, your inner critic has the power to make you believe certain things about yourself. Things like ‘I’m worthless’, ‘I’m a failure’, and ‘I’m not good enough’. Your inner critic has probably always been part of your life, but when you become a mum, it can grow louder.
While self-criticism reinforces and worsens emotional suffering, self-compassion helps alleviate it. Imagine you’ve had a difficult night with your baby. They haven’t slept and you’re feeling really tired. The next morning, your older child is unsettled and refusing to listen to your instructions. In response, you shout at them.
In this context, self-criticism would look like beating yourself up for losing your temper with your child. In contrast, self-compassion prompts you to pause, reflect, notice and support yourself in a nonjudgemental way. This might look like saying to yourself, ‘no wonder you shouted at your child – you haven’t slept well, your capacity is lower than normal, and it’s completely understandable for you to have trouble staying calm when you’ve got less energy in the tank’. Read How Self-Compassion Can Help You as a Parent to learn more.
3 Daily Habits to Help You Build More Self-Compassion as a New Mum
Self-compassion isn’t about letting yourself off the hook. It’s about giving yourself grace, understanding, support and validation. Trust me, nobody deserves to be blamed, criticised or shamed for things that are often out of their control in the first place.
Here are some simple daily habits to help you start building more self-compassion as a new mum…
1. Create a Credit List
A credit list is literally a list of things you deserve credit for! As mums, we’re often so focused on blaming and shaming ourselves for things we haven’t done, we completely ignore all that we have done, and are doing for our children.
For example, completing the weekly food shop could go on your credit list. You might be thinking, ‘who deserves credit for that, it’s just what a mum should do’. But it’s not, it’s what they choose to do because they care about their family. They want their children to have food in the fridge when they come home and in their bellies when they go to bed at night.
You could have chosen not to go food shopping, and your children would have gone hungry. It’s a horrible thing to think about, but there are some parents who operate this way. They neglect their children and their children are malnourished. So, you deserve credit for looking after your children. You deserve credit for doing the food shop.
Once you’ve started adding things to your credit list, consider what they mean about you as a person. Doing the food shop shows you’re a caring, thoughtful person. Personally, I hate doing the food shop, so it also shows I’m determined. I do the thing I absolutely detest, week in, week out, and sometimes more than once a week! This is something I deserve credit for.
Over time, the more things you add to your credit list, and the more you think about what they mean, the more your confidence and self-esteem will grow.
2. Tune into Your Tone of Voice
Something I talk about all the time with my clients is the effect your tone of voice can have, especially when you’re trying to give yourself compassion. Often, the way we speak to ourselves can be quite harsh and critical. If you’re trying to give yourself credit for something, this can prevent you from feeling the benefits.
Pay attention to the way you speak to yourself. Focus on using a softer, more caring, gentle tone, just like you would use to speak to your children or a friend who might be struggling. Read The Way You Talk to Yourself is a Parenting Gamechanger for more on this.
3. Be On the Lookout for Self-Critical Thoughts
Start listening to the types of thoughts you have and watch out for the self-critical ones. These might be thoughts like ‘I shouldn’t have done that’, ‘I should have been able to cope with that situation’, ‘I must be a terrible mum because I’ve just shouted at my kids’, or ‘I must be a bad mum because I’m not enjoying every moment of motherhood’.
All of us experience self-critical thoughts from time to time. Some people’s inner critic is bigger and louder and shows up more frequently than others. As you become more aware of your critic, you’ll start to notice patterns. You’ll notice certain people, situations, or conversations that trigger that side of you and bring it the surface. When you know what triggers you, you can use this information to figure out how to connect with your compassionate inner voice to counteract the critic.
Learning to Love Yourself
If self-compassion feels difficult, I created my free Learning to Love Yourself guide just for you. It takes time and practice to master this skill, but this resource is designed to get you started. By signing up, you’ll also become part of my community, meaning you’ll be sent regular emails packed with valuable information and tips on managing your emotional wellbeing.
Download your free guide here >>> Learning to Love Yourself
Nurturing You Through Motherhood
If you’re struggling with any of things mentioned in this article and it’s affecting your mental health, I can help. Therapy can help you develop more self-compassion in the ways I’ve described above, but you’ll have a professional guide to support you through the process.
Reach out by booking a consultation here or subscribe to The Nurture Toolkit for free, actionable tips and prompts straight to your inbox. I also share lots of encouragement and support via Instagram.
Useful Links
- How to Stop Blaming Yourself as a Mum
- Understanding Your Critical Voice
- 3 Habits You Need to Ditch if You Want to Feel Like a Good Mum