Do you struggle to feel like a good mum? You’re not alone – it’s something I see time and time again in the therapy room. Negative or self-critical thoughts are something we all experience throughout our lives, and they’re very common during early motherhood. In fact, one of the most popular search terms new mums use to find me on Google is related to feeling like a bad mum. It upsets me every time I see it in my analytics, but it also motivates me to keep sharing my expertise. I don’t want anyone to feel like they’re failing.
With this in mind, let’s explore some of the habits and patterns I believe can contribute to this way of thinking and feeling. These are the things you need to ditch if you want to feel like a good mum.
3 Habits You Need to Ditch If You Want to Feel Like a Good Mum
1. Beating Yourself Up & Feeling Guilty
Something I often see in the therapy room is mothers beating themselves up for their perceived failures. As a mum of three, this is also something I can relate to myself. I would do this before I had children, and I did it a lot during early motherhood. It’s something I’ve worked on a lot in my own therapy, and as a result I now feel much more able to give myself compassion when things feel difficult.
You might beat yourself up for having a difficult pregnancy you didn’t really enjoy. Or perhaps you had a traumatic birth that makes you feel like you failed, or that your body failed you. Maybe you’re struggling to breastfeed and feel like a bad mum because you think you’re not giving your baby the nutrients they need to flourish and thrive. On top of everything else, it could be that you’re feeling pressured to enjoy every minute of motherhood, so you beat yourself up for failing at that, too.
We can beat ourselves up over anything and everything. For example, I used to berate myself for not spending enough time with my children, particularly on the weekends when I felt tired and needed to relax. Instead of enjoying any downtime, I convinced myself I should be constantly doing things with my kids to engage and educate them. I felt so guilty for resting and putting my needs first.
Honestly, us mums are so hard on ourselves! It makes my heart hurt, especially because it can lead to a very unhappy, maybe even depressed motherhood experience. If any of this sounds familiar, you might find the following links helpful:
2. Setting Unrealistic Expectations for Yourself
Everyone has certain expectations of themselves. How we dress. How we present ourselves. Whether we go to the gym or not. What we eat. What we achieve in life and our career. We even have expectations around how often the house gets cleaned!
Usually, these expectations need to shift when you have a baby. Motherhood changes everything, so expecting yourself to carry on as you did before can easily make you feel like you’re failing.
For example, I see mums who might have cleaned the house in a certain way before they had a baby. Then, since becoming a mum, they’ve struggled to maintain the same standards. Believe me, nobody is dusting and vacuuming every day when they’ve got a newborn to care for! You’ve got to shift your expectations and give yourself grace.
Body image is another thing that comes up a lot. If you’re someone who takes pride in how you look and you exercise and go to the gym regularly, having a baby could make it hard to maintain your routine. Your life has changed, your responsibilities have changed, and it could even be quite physically damaging for you to keep up the same regime, particularly in the very early postpartum days. If you don’t shift your expectations, it will be really hard to feel good about yourself and any exercise you manage to do.
It’s just not possible to achieve the same standards after having children. At least not without their being an emotional and/or physical cost to you. Your life has changed, so your expectations of yourself need to change too.
This is something we can work on together in therapy. It’s not about going from having high standards to having no standards whatsoever. It’s about adapting and altering some of your expectations in a gentle, nurturing and compassionate way while also considering your personal needs, values, and what your life looks like now.
3. Speaking to Yourself Unkindly
We know the way we speak to ourselves is powerful. If we’re not careful, we can end up feeling really bad about ourselves. As well as avoiding words that are unkind or blaming and shaming, we need to be wary of using a harsh tone of voice when we’re speaking to ourselves in a critical way. Remember, you deserve kindness, even when you mess up or make a mistake.
One of the things I really value in my work with mums is helping them notice how they speak to themselves and the tone of voice they use. I believe compassion is much more motivating than shame. When we speak to ourselves in a kind, nurturing, gentle tone, we are more likely to feel better, move forward, and take positive action. Read The Way You Talk to Yourself is a Parenting Gamechanger. Here’s Why… for more on this.
Nurturing You Through Motherhood
If you’re struggling with any of the things described in this article, and it’s affecting your mental health, it might be time to reach out for some support. Book a consultation here or subscribe to The Nurture Toolkit for free, actionable tips and prompts straight to your inbox. I also share lots of encouragement and support via Instagram.